Shadows

I feel so hopeless.

I feel so…undone.

It’s worse when you look at my life from the outside and see how “successful” I am. How loved I am. How everything seems to finally fall into place.

I’ve finally reached my last semester of school and will soon graduate. I’ve even gotten a headstart on my assignments. I’ve been able to focus on my professional learning workshops and courses. I’ve been hired as a supply educator assistant. I’ve received an interview invitation to a volunteer opportunity with the Nanny Angel Network. … The list of good things could go on.

But you can’t understand what’s going on inside.

Heck, I don’t even understand it.

One minute I’m excited for getting closer and closer to my dream. Next minute I fear if I can even make it to the next step.

Will I be able to pass my final classes? Will I succeed in field placement? Will I be able to go to work and be there for the kids consistently? What happens when I relapse? What happens when I can’t handle the depression?

But that’s just one part of it.

What’s really eating me away is this feeling of loneliness.

I lost my best friend and I don’t know if it will ever be fixed. Please don’t tell me that he’s just a man. That my life shouldn’t revolve around him. Because it doesn’t even if he’s more than just a man.

I thought he was the only one who understood me and accepted me for who I am. That’s why he’s so important to me. But that was a lie. Ultimately, he couldn’t accept me fully for one reason or another all those years. It wasn’t his fault. He had his own challenges in life. But until now, even with no hard feelings for him, I can’t put the pieces back together. I still blame myself for everything and still think that I’m so broken I simply can’t be with anyone. That includes friends.

My friends, as loving as they are, just aren’t there for me as much as I need them. And of course I can’t marry them and have a family with them. It just doesn’t work that way.

I look forward to only three things in my life: to be an educator and to be a wife and a mom.

And so, hopelessness sinks in during these dark times I feel alone and afraid that I can’t move forward in life.

If the present is so bleak, what else does the future hold?

I wish I don’t ever think of certain things like disappearing into thin air or losing my memory of everything or what-have-you. But I can’t just not think of it. I don’t like it but it’s there. The feeling of hopelessness gnaws at me and beckons me to cross to the darker side. I’m afraid of even stepping on its shadows.

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