Z’s Story

Before I post my “anxiety” story, I thought that I would tell you all a little bit about me. This is taken from my new WordPress blog called Writer Doing Life.

I don’t feel super comfortable giving my name, but either kay15 or Z will work fine.

Here is my story: My name is Z and I am in my last year of high school. As graduation aproaches I am realizing just how crazy it is that soon I will no longer be a child. Soon I will have to function in the real world without the crutch of my father. Even though I will always have my Heavenly Father by my side.

Sooo, my story. Well, I was born in Kansas and, other than a few years in Maryland, I was raised there. I lived in the same town from 3rd grade to freshman year. That is still the longest I have ever called one place home. I had a fairly normal life. A younger sister and brother, my mom and dad were maried, and we were in church. I think the only thing that could be considered abnormal about life was that my dad was the youth pastor at our church and my siblings and I were home schooled. We lived in an apartment complex, I had a few close friends, and I enjoyed playing pretend outside. However, right before I turned 11, everything changed.

My mother passed away quite unexpectedly from a problem with her heart. Her death shook my entire family to the core and left me with hardly a sliver of faith left to hold onto. In the space of the next year: a pastor that I loved dearly moved out of state, a new pastor took his place, and we ended up leaving the church that I had grown up in for five years.

The new church wasn’t bad, in fact I ended up liking it there better than the old one. I made a group of friends and that was unusual for me. I was so used to having just a few people around me, I didn’t know how to react when I suddenly had so many ‘friends’.

Throughout this time I struggled with doubting my Salvation. I prayed over, and over, and over again that God would save me, but I never felt safe. I never felt that security I had heard so many people talk about. And because I had grown up in a Christian home, I didn’t see a radical change in my personal life because there wasn’t much to change. (I’m not saying I was a perfect child, but right behaviour has been drilled into your mind for so many years, you know the difference between right and wrong long before you realize your need of a Saviour.)

Because of this doubt, I developed anxiety which turned into a massive problem that I would have to deal with for years and years to come. (more explained in a later post)

When I was 14, my dad lost his job. Suddenly everything that finally seemed to be so stable started crashing down around me. My sister and I hoped that he would get a job in the town where we went to church so we could get more involved. (At the time, we were living 45 min away and it was hard to get there for anything other than church services themselves). But what we didn’t know was that God was directing us to a place that we could finally, finally, call home.

God used the loss of my dad’s job to take us to Missouri, to a little suburban town, and to a church that would change our lives. Admittedly, not one of the Smith kids were happy about the move, but we knew that God had called us there. So reluctantly, begrudgingly, we went along with as little complaining as possible.

Just a few months later, God led me to Himself. I prayed, so fed up and tired of being scared for my life and my soul. I prayed and begged God to forgive me for my sins. I admitted that I knew I was a sinner and that He was the only way I was going to get into Heaven. And since that day I have had less struggles with doubt. Yes it still sits there, waiting to attack when I am at my most vulnerable. But I know that I am a child of the King, and that I will one day see the face of God, and hug my mother again.

Right after this, my sister and I got involved in an elementary/middle school production at the church. A play called “God’s Game Plan”. Looking back, I have to laugh at the name and the theme. Because it was while working on this play that I began to see part of God’s plan for me unfold.

I met a woman, C, who would soon become a bigger part of my life than I ever would have imagined. Over the course of the play, and the summer months to follow, we became close friends. She became like a mother to me, so much so that we refer to each other as “Spiritual Mother and Daughter”. Our Christmas and Birthday cards to one another are often addressed to “Mom”, “Mother”, or “Daughter”. She is a huge influence on my life, and was the one to introduce me to theatre. She has taken me under her wing in the world of drama and theatre, teaching me in a student/teacher setting as well as on the move. Throwing me into situations to grow and improve my skills.

I made a friend who quickly became the “best friend” who is my age. J, someone that I will always remember. As we get ready for college I realize that we could drift apart, but I refuse to lose her entirely. After losing as many people as I have already, she will stay close to my heart.

And I even found someone to look up to as an older sister. As the oldest child in my family, that has always been a relationship that I craved. S and I found it by accident. We were paired with each other in a mentoring program and I remember being very shocked the first time I met her. I think she was nervous, but she blurted out that she had “been through it all” from abuse to drinking/drugs to running away from home. She told me that I could go to her with anything and she wouldn’t judge me. That made an impression. She was also a part of the same drama team as C for several years, so we became closer through our time spent together there. Her kids call me “aunt” and I claim them as my own. She is my sister, and I am so thankful.

That quickly brings us to the present. As I get ready to graduate high school I realize that soon my life will change. I realize that the “adult” world of full time jobs, college, and a family is right around the corner. It can be a very scary thing to think about, but I receive peace when I realize that God will be beside me, guiding me, just as He has been since the day I was born. And even before that.

 

Z

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