I don’t know what to do with my life anymore. It’s not that I feel like giving up. I’m just so lost I have no idea what to do anymore.
Yes, work and school are things of the past — for now. At the very least, there’s less stress about things that need to be done, classes to be attended, and assignments to be handed in. But now what?
I’ve recently accepted my situation as someone special, out of the ordinary. I’m no longer in a hurry to finish school. (Although I still get upset about it sometimes, I don’t pressure myself about it anymore). And despite envy creeping into me every time I find out my friends are getting married, having kids, travelling everywhere, and working their dream jobs, I’ve accepted the fact that comparing myself to them does no good.
So I quit school and work towards fixing the mishap I’ve created with my academic record. I also decide to focus on my healing. But where do I go now?
I’ve finally had an appointment with a psychiatrist today through my physician’s referral. He asked about my history and re-diagnosed me with depression. He said he will suggest a new medication plan for me to my physician, but he didn’t prescribe anything at all. And I forgot to ask him about other therapies like CBT, private/group counselling, etc. I like him a lot more than the other 2 psychiatrists who were too impatient to make a connection with me as their patient. I’ll probably not see him again, though, because it was just a consultation. So now I’ve got to wait several more days to see my physician and try a new medication plan.
I’ve been seeing a couple counsellors who have been helpful since I first had appointments with them. But this resource is soon gone as my privileges have shifted based on the decisions I’ve made. Last few sessions — then what?
Focus on my well-being…
I love yoga, and I am super grateful for the free classes I got as part of the Blu Matter Project. But it’s so damn difficult to get my butt out the apartment door and into the yoga studio. I also love Cassey Ho’s POP Pilates workouts and I’ve got the Nike+ Training Club app with awesome blood-pumping exercises. But I’m just lethargic as ever no matter how much I try to psych myself.
I want to try new foods, foods that will help me feel better. But grocery shopping for ingredients you haven’t tried isn’t exactly easy when you’ve got a tight budget. Should I buy this? But what if my roommate and I don’t like it? It’s just going to waste… So now what?
I need and want to sleep earlier and get up in the morning earlier. That’s one of my favourite advices from Brian Tracy and from Darren Hardy. Problem is, I can’t sleep at night, thus I snooze my early morning alarms. This is so frustrating!
Last week, I decided to get a bunch of books and magazines to help me, with topics including: self-help, business (I find that they deal with a lot of personal, more than business, growth), yoga, psychology, literature, motivation, happiness. I also kept a few fiction books with me and brought the rest of my school texts home to my parents’. Recent events (such as someone breaking into our car and stealing our stuff, spending the weekends with my family, and celebrating with friends after getting married and before their big move overseas) have affected my plans of getting through these books quickly and hoping to apply lessons I learn into my life. Obviously not all road bumps were negative, but having those postponements made me lose my motivation in working on and by myself.
Since September 2014, I dreamed to get this blog going: post more, earn followers, help those in the same boat, and discuss mental health and life in general with others. But I can’t think… I can’t write… I can’t make sense of anything in my head. I can’t even update my Instagram and Twitter accounts regularly anymore. And nobody really interacts with me on those platforms, making me feel insignificant and a fool for trying to reach out to others through social media.
Wise people say, No Excuses! Keep moving forward and find a way to do that good thing you’ve been dreading to do. And they’re right. But I never would have felt energized to get back up on my feet if I hadn’t typed all this out in the last couple hours. When I began this entry, I felt so confused, frustrated, and upset at myself for failing at so many things and not knowing where to go next. Now as I end this, I remind you and me that there is always a way. We just have to stop, look, and listen – we’ll figure out what’s next.