Noise

What to do when the mind becomes full of noise?

I want to write but I don’t know what to write.
This is how I always begin…

It’s this empty feeling again in my head, but at the same time, I can feel so many things going on in there simultaneously. I feel like my head’s going to explode. Or I want my head to explode and release all this weirdness.

Why am I so fragile? so volatile?

I feel like such a failure.

Like with everything, I’ve got to work continuously to be better. But I can’t overcome the crippling, negative feelings.

I miss my old self — sad and melancholy, but not paralyzed. Not in an arrested state of mind. I may not have handed in assignments on time, but I finished them nevertheless. I used to write more, express myself better, connected more. Now I’m so out of it. Floating in an abyss. Falling down the bottomless pit.

There’s a numbness that I can’t describe.

I want to run away from this. From everything. But of course that’s not solving anything. And everybody just keeps telling you the things you already know.
Do this. Do that. If I can do it, you can too.

Well, fuck it. Years of trying to get better actually made me worse.

I want to scream my head off but there is no safe way to do it.


This kind of thinking happens in my head more often than not. The quest to love yourself again is a difficult path. But I keep going. I stop many times, but I never turn back.

You can never ever turn back.

It’s taking me forever and it is excruciatingly frustrating. I still don’t have the coping skills when everything closes in on me. All I can do is go with the flow, allow myself to feel shitty, then do what I can to get back up. Sometimes it takes me forever to fight; other times it takes me a second to snap out of it.

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